Blogger Gate
by Kody Wright
Summary: An undercover bloggers report on the SGC to the citizens of the world. Rated T, lots of swearing. this is a spoof. if you leave a review please be nice. I have had to delete a few reviews already due to being incoherant or rude.
1. Chapter 1

Blogger Gate

_Note: This is a spoof of bloggers and stargate._

**Update One:**

Okay people, there is something fishy going on. How the hell can the US government pay a thousand dollars for a hammer? WTF? What are they doing with all that CIA drug money coming from Afghanistan? Shit, we should be tax free by now.

I am even more curious by Cheyenne Mountain complex. They closed and moved NORAD. Hello? Anybody home? WTF are they doing in there? Contacting aliens from space? Now, all kidding aside, what are they doing in there? It's not NORAD and I doubt they really need to track Santa all year round.

I've enlisted into the military. I'm going for high level security clearance which is why I have used extra precautions with my IP address. They cannot find out who this blogger is...Ever. So, soon as I'm in...I will let all know.

**Update Two:**

Okay, basic training was a drag. I had to hack the computer system but I'm into Cheyenne Mountain complex as a guard. Whatever they are doing in there it's really classified. I mean over-the-top, through-the-woods, under-the-bridge, CIA-bullshit classified.

I start my new job as a guard in Cheyenne Mountain, full clearance tomorrow. No one knows I am a blogger undercover, citizen journalist about to blow the lid off of whatever bullshit they got in there.

**Update Three:**

Wholly fucking shit, Batman! Okay, let me catch my breath. First day of debriefing. You won't fucking believe this. They have a machine that makes a wormhole in that fucking place. It's called a Stargate...No, not the remote viewing program. This just hit the Richter scale. Bing, bing, bing...Hit the top bell. We're talking to fucking aliens here. Not aliens from another country...As in "ET phone-the-fucking-home" aliens.

**Update Four:**

Okay bloggetts, this is the deal. We have one fucking gate that makes a wormhole, a few deep space ships and a colony on the lost "city" not cotenant of Atlantis. Yes, as in Plato's Atlantis. Except it's built by aliens who are long dead.

Now, we have been doing this over a decade and have reversed engineered all this great shit and made spaceships. Why the fuck do we not have a cure for cancer? WTF are they doing with all this crap?

They have zero point energy and my electric bill keeps going up? WTF? Okay rangers, the IOA is some sort of international oversight. That's right! Not just the good old USA but the who fucking planet is in on this shit and every government knows but us damn sheeple. Well, screw that! If you're not pissed then you are not paying attention.

**Update Four:**

Okay, the SGC or Stargate Command now knows about me. They know that they have a citizen journalist who is broadcasting top secret info. I don't know how long I will last but I do have few things to say to those in the program.

To Sam Carter, come on...You know you are being used. You know they will not allow the technology to benefit the citizens and your are risking your life to fatten the cats up. Wake up! PS, what's with you and the General anyways?

To Daniel Jackson, please switch to decaf. I couldn't follow what you were saying in the briefing. You were speaking way too fast and way too much.

To General O'Neill, What is with all the Jell-O? Did you get a huge contract or something? Apple pie, hot fudge, cake...All good. We grunts like cookies too. And please, switch Dr. Jackson's coffee to decaf.


	2. Chapter 2

Blogger Gate - 2.0

Note: _I have been asked to continue this spoof so I guess I will add a few more._

**Update Five:**

Shit, shit, shit. Thor's cousin, Loki got away again. If anyone sees a naked gray alien, looks just like a puppet from those conspiracy-nut sites, PM me. The little fucking bastard kicked my partner in the balls and ran. You would be amazed how fast an Asgard can run.

The Asgard are these gray looking aliens with really big heads. They can't reproduce so you can't kick the little fucker in the balls...He doesn't have any.

If you see him don't try to apprehend him yourself, he will taser you with a laser beam. Then do experiments on you. Beware of Loki. Little fucker fights nasty.

**Update Six:**

I met my first friendly alien today, a Jaffa named Teal'c. He's HUGE! No ladies, not that way. He's big! And he has this unhealthy obsession with Jedi Knights and Star Wars. WTF? He's as bad as fandom. Matter of fact I caught him on a Star Wars fandom website and he tried to hide it from me. You're an alien from space...Way cooler than a fictional Jedi. He read about Star Wars 7 coming out and went ape-shit.

PS, no word on Loki. However, the Supreme Commander Thor went out to look to look for him and some badass cop or was it TSA? Not sure! Thor got tasered and he is really pissed off about it. They are blaming me for it. How can they blame me? They look just like the grays in the movies. WTF man?

**Update Seven: **

Please, please, please...Put Dr. Jackson back on caffeine. He's worse without it. Talk about miserable. Shit man! I all said was "Good morning" and I nearly got my head chewed off. Then he bitched about General O'Neill agreeing with me that he needed decaf and was apparently challenged to go a week with no coffee. There is no way in hell we will last a week with Dr. Jackson on herbal tea. Okay, just let him have the coffee. Or switch decaf with regular and tell him it's decaf and let him win his stupid bet. It would be better for us grunts if you let him have his coffee back.

**Update Eight:**

Dear God! Carter was part of that "week with no coffee" bet and she's just as miserable to be around. I'm begging you, General, call off the bet and give them back their coffee. Those two may win the bet but no way in hell the rest of us will survive this shit.

The bet was for each to go a week with no coffee and if they do that they each get their own Kuerig in with unlimited k-cups in their own offices. Just give it to them. There's plenty of drug money to buy the damn coffee cups with.

PS, Loki still at large. If you see the little fucker, PM me right away.


	3. Chapter 3

Blogger Gate - 3.0

**Update Nine:**

Sorry for not updating right away, we had a slight Ba'al problem. How many Ba'als can one produce? Yes, cloning is also possible and this is way beyond Dolly the sheep. Nine clones of Ba'al, another dude who he thinks he's god...Would get along well in DC...made a whole bunch of Xerox copies of himself and tried to take over the place. All the Ba'als got away from us. It was sad, really.

However, we did find Loki...He was in General O'Neill's place trying to abduct the man. Apparently the little fucker has an unhealthy obsession with him along most of the women in the SGC.

**Update Ten:**

Finally the week is over the bet is done. We guards had to switch the coffee back to regular to keep Jackson and Carter from killing us. It was a price a price we had to pay. They each got their own coffee makers and endless supply of gourmet coffee and should be happy now. Thank god that's over with. Shit, those two do not play well without their coffee.

**Update Eleven:**

Well, bloggers I discovered two languages that Jackson, the man who speaks every language on the planet and off, does not know...Klingon and Elf. Apparently he's not big on Star Trek but likes Lord of the Rings. Then he had the nerve to insist that Klingon and Elf were not real. Oh, come off it. Just because he didn't discover it therefore it's not real. Pain in the ass. Us guards have adopted Jedi as our other language and established it as our religion as well. Hey, if the police in London can do it then so can we.

**Update Twelve:**

I was asked the dumbest question in the world today. "Who should I vote for and why?" was the question. Teal'c asked me that question. Apparently he's a citizen now. WTF man? I suggested it would be better if he didn't vote in that case. Apparently it was a trick question for he simply smiled and gave a nod of approval. WTF? What was that? Some Jedi mind trick?


	4. Chapter 4

Blogger Gate - 4.0

**Update Thirteen**

Apparently the "Goa'uld" are a bunch of "snakes" that pretend to be god and really like Ancient Egypt. Sounds like a politician! It hit me today, the gate on top of the ramp looks like the Eye of Ra. Fucking weird! Then Dr. Jackson is the mythology expert who connects all these false gods to whatever bull shit is going on today.

Let me describe the gate to you. It's big and round. About the size of a back yard pool and it stands on its side. Watching them go off world is like watching some disappear into a pool of water. The event horizon looks like water. The thought was of baptism as I witnessed them go through it.

So, Dr. Jackson...What ya make of that? Eye of god and baptism in your daily life. Bet ya just shit a brick over that post. Weren't the Egyptians into sun worship as well?

**Update Fourteen**

Fucking crap man! Replicators! Kind of like a terminator that for some reason decided to be a bug and look creepy. I bet if we pitted the Terminator against Replicators, Arnold would win. Go Arnold! Apparently, AI is possible as well and of course, like with every other sci-fi film the machines hate us and want to kill for our freedoms. Fucking creepy bugs...Always something fucking creepy going here.

Oh, the Replicators can pass off as humans as well. Kind of like the Cylons in Battlestar Galactica. I guess the special affect department got fucking lazy or let a bunch of people go. Hmm, R2D2 squares off against replicator version of C3PO. I can see C3Po now, shrieking like a girl, throwing his fucking hands up in the air and running away on stiff legs. Now if these fucking things could make a good cup of coffee.

**Update Fifteen**

Today, I met the most cocky officer yet. Colonel Sheppard, head of the security dept of Atlantis. First, his hair is too long and way outside regs. He doesn't shave properly and that's a huge no-no. He flirts with everyone as he talks. I mean everyone. Men and women. On top of that he came here with Dr, McKay who went around telling everyone he was the smartest person in the whole damn galaxy. Does he have a little dick or something? WTF? Like any of the enlisted are give a rat's ass about how freaking smart this dude is.

Then I watched in amusement as McKay not only insulted Carter's intelligence but then hit on her. She should have kicked his ass. Anyone could have kicked his ass. C3PO could have kicked his ass. R2D2 could have zapped his ass. WTF? Out of billions of people on this planet this is the best we could muster? Seriously?

**Update Sixteen**

Speaking of ass kicking...How does a man who is over 6 foot tall, weighs over 200 pounds get the shit kicked out of him by a woman who is 5 foot, 2 inches tall and weighs about 110 pounds? Dr. Jackson got the snot beat out of him by a space pirate (don't even ask) named Vala. WFT man? She apparently flirts with him too. Like they have some sort of weird, sexual-torture relationship going.

I would not be surprised if we found Dr. Jackson naked and bound in leather someday. Pink fuzzy handcuffs and red lipstick smeared all his face. Vala standing over him with a whip and asking which guard would like assist.


	5. Chapter 5

Blogger Gate 5.0

**Classified:**

Jack O'Neill sat at his computer typing when Daniel walked into his office. Before Jack could close the computer cover something caught Daniel's eye. He spotted the title.

"You're Blogger Gate, Jack?" the man huffed.

Jack shrugged, "Um...Yeah."

"What the hell, Jack?" asked his friend.

Jack explained, "It's a disclosure program. Instead of going with the media we decided to do it in a blog from the point of view of a guard. This is from the Pentagon, Daniel."

"You have to insult me in it?" he crossed his expression and his arms.

Jack shrugged, "Well, you did get beaten up by a woman half your size, Daniel."

Daniel protested, "I was trying not to hurt her. I was taught never to hit a woman and she took advantage of me. Pink hand cuffs and bondage, Jack?"

He shrugged, "I though it was funny. You could have just sat on her Daniel. You were trained to subdue, remember?"

As Daniel glared at Jack Sam Carter walked into his office, spotted the look on Daniel's face and knew something as up, "What is it?" asked she.

Daniel pointed, "He's Blogger Gate."

Her mouth dropped, "Seriously? I thought it was some guard."

"Disclosure program by the Pentagon, Carter," explained Jack.

She placed her hand on her hips, "Did you have to write all those mean things about me? How about a retraction on some of that?"

Jack let out a sigh, "Since you both know, I will close the program. But I will let each of you write an update. Daniel, you can the next update, number seventeen. Carter you can have eighteen and I will let Teal'c write nineteen. Twenty will be the last update. Okay? But you have to write it from the point of view of a guard."

Sam and Daniel traded glances.

"We get to write an update?" asked Sam enthused. Suddenly revenge was in her grasp.

"As long as it's from the point of view of a guard," assured Jack.

Daniel turned quickly on his heels to leave.

"Where you going?" asked Jack.

"Write my update," he shouted back.

"Be right back, sir," assured Carter as she quickly left.

Jack sat in silence, "Hope that wasn't a mistake."

**Update Seventeen**

I was wrong. Dr. Daniel Jackson is not a loser or a wimp and was being very careful not hurt a woman when she took advantage of him and used him. Sitting on her is not an option, Jack. I was also wrong to accuse him of having a caffeine addiction. Though, the afternoon cup of coffee does help. CIA drug money? Seriously? That's how we're funded? Holy crap!

And one thing I would like to add about Jack O'Neill...This is a man whose idol is Homer Simpson. The man has a sick sense of humor.

**Update Eighteen**

As to Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter, she does not nor has ever slept with Dr. Rodney McKay and has no idea what the size of the man's penis is nor if he suffers from penis envy as previously suggested. However, she does find him irritating at times and rather arrogant.

As too the blue jell-o. Well, unlike most men here, Colonel Carter is concerned about her health and is watching her weight. It's a low fat treat that many of the women on staff appreciate. I..I mean...Colonel Carter places the order for low fat options herself and does not need a whole commissary full nothing but junk food, which what we would have if General O'Neill had his way. PS, she is not a coffee addict either.

**Update Nineteen:**

Teal'c of the Jaffa has officially announced his religion is Jedi. That is all.

**Update Twenty:**

Well, I was busted by the brass and I am in deep shit now. My two senior officers want to ride my ass like a horse and send me to Gitmo for a long vacation. I won't be able to update again. This is my last update. I would clarify that Daniel Jackson is indeed a wimp when it comes to Vala the space pirate and Carter could stop hogging the commissary order forms. We are getting tired of Jell-o. And they are both coffee addicts.


End file.
